We keep this love in a photograph...

 

I never thought that thoughts about my future would cause feelings of fear and confusion. When, a long time ago, in childhood itself, everything seemed so meager, did not have a huge significance, everything was visible only through the pink glasses, right?

When your family breaks up at the very beginning of the journey, when you are still a child and you experience emotions in your own childish way - this is one thing, but it hurts, it's not easy, even though you seem to be not alone in this world of betrayal. And what about those moments when you become an adult? The colors have long been absorbed into the canvas, the events have been lived for a long time, there is a past, present and even most likely plans for the future, but there are no emotions inside, just emptiness from the fact that everything is broken, broken around, you are broken inside and no one can help ... Though..

From the first class this week, I went every time from one building to another, home and so on, repeating the daily routine, but the thought of fear did not let me go, it seemed to remind me of those very unhealed wounds that once upon a time I really wanted to forget and erase from memory forever.

If we were talking about culture, about a pattern that repeats itself from year to year, from century to century, a terrible realization came that this very pattern could repeat itself in my life.

At the age of two, I lost my father without realizing it, then at the age of seventeen I had to leave home. To say that I had to grow up a little earlier is to say nothing. Living in another country, on another continent, hearing your mother's voice on the phone has probably already become so commonplace that sometimes you no longer understand whether it hurts you from the realization of loneliness and or from the fact that the thoughts that come into your head remind you that no one needs you.

If in the lesson we were looking at the story of a Mexican family that changed its whole life, redrawn its template, forced to change views on many things, then for some reason in this post I wanted to tell a slightly different story. I'm sorry, I guess at least somewhere and sometime I can be honest with myself.

Yes, they moved, yes, they had a lot of problems, starting from the separation of parents, the separation of children from their father and a bunch of other things besides mastering a new culture and reality. At that moment, for some reason, I thought about a completely different story, a story that changed my life, changed me.

To leave the country, to leave the family, not knowing when you will see them again and whether you will see them - that's scary. You try not to think about it, but it doesn't always work out. And if you thought that I just came here, started speaking in a foreign language, began to realize the importance of the Gospel in my life from another culture, chose a profession that may not be right for me, but will feed me, my sister, my parents. Every day I feel more and more that I am becoming a parent in this family, feeling the responsibility for everyone,  I am afraid to let down, I am afraid to disappoint, I’m afraid to give up. And I'm even more afraid of losing my family, the values that we once shared, I'm afraid that someday I won't be able to say “Thank you mom and dad for who I am now.” Yes, I did not have a perfect childhood, and perhaps that is why the word “Family” has some absolutely incredible meaning for me. Culture cannot change our consciousness, but we can change our attitude to it. It's not so easy to break yourself, to make a choice in favor of the “Right”. Who knows what is right?

It becomes scary only when you are told that your template of the family in which you grew up is your future template, the template of your happiness, or maybe not, I do not know..

I want to believe that there is not. I want to believe that I am different, that my family's culture is different. That someday I will be coming home, that someone would wait for me, that it will be important for someone to know “How am I?”, “Am I all right?”and a bunch of other things that just will always be a reminder that someone needs you.

And remember, despite the patterns of life, the patterns of your grandparents, the patterns of your parents, you can be happy. Remember that you can change everything, You can tell your child one day that he is the best thing that happened in your life, that you will never leave him and that you are always there, always there for him, no matter what, and together you can change everything.

The main thing is not to be afraid and believe!

Do not be afraid, just Believe

Mark 5:36